Squirrels

As I watched the squirrel store up acorns, one-by-one, for the coming winter, I realized that the squirrel and I had a lot in common. Both of us live in California. Neither of us has a job. (Probably due to racism.) And finally, both of us love fucking other squirrels.

Some things just never change

Though the number of arranged marriages in India has declined in recent years, arranged gay marriages are as popular as ever.

Broadway's new ad campaign suggestion

Plays: For people not interested in being interested.

The year's top local news stories

News Category winner:
"Hundreds Found Dead in Local Cemetary"

Op-Ed category winner:
"Was the 3rd Grade Sock Puppet Play Racist Against Cats?"

Classified category winner:
"Several previously owned used items 4 sale. Shit, I think I am most definetly going to run out of letters. What!? I'm not going to pay that much for extra spa-"

Death bed

A good trick to play on your deathbed, is to take a large object in your hand and make it disappear.

You heard it here first

Early exit polls indicate that the most popular insult of 2004 will be "dick-a-lope."

Useage example:
(Setting: almost anywhere)
ME: Zach has been quite a dick-a-lope as of late.
ANOTHER PERSON: What?

A proposition

I think a better, more accurate, name for velcro wallets would be "pussy magnets."

Your dolphin...

I don't know how dolphins developed this reputation of being so smart. Most of the dolphins I know are so stupid that if you told them it was "chilly outside" they'd go grab a bowl and a spoon.

Reader Mail

Dear VALI

This is to notify you that your Verizon Avenue statement dated Oct 26, 2004 is available to view on-line at www.verizonvoyager.com/support_customer_service . You can view, print and pay your bill online 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please remember that you will continue receiving your paper bill in the mail. Thank you for being a Verizon Avenue customer.

Dear Verizon,

Not sure which post you're referring to. Please be more specific.

Yours in Christ,
Vali

Gambling

If you ever gamble your wife away in a game of poker, don’t panic. Remember, you’re on the market again and you’re going to have to act cool to impress the ladies.

New element discovered

Cambridge, Massachusetts (AP) – Harvard University scientists announced the discovery of a new element today. The element was discovered when the scientists were looking at a periodic table and noticed a square, labeled Ununpentium, which they hadn’t noticed before. The scientists responded to questions about the properties of the new element with shrugs and, occasionally, swear words directed at the questioner.

Boxing referee

I bet that if you're a boxing referee and you get a new roomate, the first time the new roomate sees you in your refereeing tuxedo he'd say, "Looking sharp. Big date tonight?" Then you would say, "Nope. Just got to make sure these two guys beat the shit out of each other."

A tip

If you're a crazy drunk hobo, try slipping your penis outside of your pants the next time you need to urinate. It will only take a fraction of a second, and you'll notice the lifestyle improvement almost immediately.

Patrick Henry

Historians in Massachusetts recently discovered that Patrick Henry’s famous “Give me liberty, or give me death” demand was actually the first line from the following advertising jingle, which the great patriot wrote and performed:

Give me liberty, or give me death
Neither are as bad, as really bad breath
So buy some Altoids down at Seth’s

Aliens

If an alien ever comes up to you and says, “take me to your leader,” you should respond, “you’re talking to him,” because the alien is probably just trying to deliver a package. And hey, free package!

Learn from my mistake

Before the anesthesia kicks in, make sure the doctor understands that when you say you want a "bigger penis," you mean that you want your existing penis to be made larger, not that you want a second, slightly larger, penis to be added.

War

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read, "War is not the answer." That seems a little presumptuous, don't you think? What if the question is, "What is a three letter word for a fight between armies?"

Nobel Peace Prize

I think a good way to select the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize would be to bring the two finalists up and tell them that the winner will be determined by a wrestling match. The wrestling match would, obviously, be great. After a couple of minutes one of the nominees would pin the other and the crowd would go crazy. Then, someone could quiet the crowd down and announce, “Actually, the loser of the wrestling match is the greater lover of peace. The Nobel Prize goes to him.”

Now, I know this plan isn't foolproof. So, if someone else has a better plan to get the Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Steve Urkel, I'm all ears.

The timing seemed right

I never saw Dad happier than the day my little sister was born. I remember sitting in the waiting room when he came out, with a huge smile on his face, to deliver the news. After a few shouts of congratulations, one of my dad’s buddies slapped him on the back, shook his hand and said, “It’s about time you lost your virginity!” I was eleven years old at the time, so I knew what this meant and, needless to say, I was a little perplexed. Then Dad let out a laugh, looked me in the eye and, with a wink, explained, "Vali, you were adopted."

Love Potion

When my ten-year-old son told me he had invented a perfume that would make anyone who smelled it fall hopelessly in love with him, I had to laugh. That kid of mine. He's so naive and imaginative and, I just noticed this, really sexy.

Astronauts

I just thought of this good trick to play on a group of astronauts: While the astronauts are in space, everyone should glue two antennae to his or her head. Then when the astronauts return, we could tell them that the world was taken over by aliens and that they will be getting antennae soon too. After a few hours we would let the astronauts in on the joke, but not before buying all of their hats off them at bargain prices.

My wedding

I don’t want to force everyone to re-live last evening, but I really think that when a priest tells you the wedding will be black tie, he should note that other articles of clothing are also required.

Think about the shape of the filament

You might be surprised to learn how many great inventions are the result of fortuitous accidents. For example: Thomas Edison accidentally invented the light bulb while trying to create an electric chair for worms.

Epilogue: To this day, nobody has been able to invent a worm electric chair. Worms convicted of capital crimes are hanged, like common savages. Like that of all great inventions, the story of the lightbulb is bittersweet.

Christmas

I still remember the moment I realized there was no Santa Clause. It was Christmas Eve, 1985. I had stayed up all night waiting for ole’ Saint Nicholas, but, of course, he never came. I was crushed.

A few moments later, my children burst into the living room looking for their presents. Naturally, they thought I had stolen the presents and began kicking me and hurling obscenities. Eventually the kicking subsided and, piled up in the middle of the floor, we all shared a little cry. In the end, isn’t that what Christmas is all about? (In some cultures?)

Cereal killers

If there was a serial killer who, one-by-one, started killing the CEOs of all the major cereal companies, I bet the papers would have a field day with all of the “‘Cereal’ Killer Strikes Again” headlines. But eventually, there would be no more cereal company CEOs left and the killer would have to move on to Nutra-grain bar company CEOs. And frankly, that’s not something I’m comfortable joking about.

Baby steps

I bet the thought that goes through a baby's mind just before attempting his or her first steps is: "You know what would be awesome? My face hitting the floor really hard."

Overheard at the water cooler

Jenkins: Do you think this thing might be bugged?
Ropert: What? The water cooler? There's no way.
Police officer through bullhorn: Freeze! You're both under arrest.
SFX: Window breaking, light artillery fire.

- Submitted by Leona Roberts from the Bringing Paper Together Stapler Co. in Columbus, OH

Ideas

I always carry a pen and notepad with me. That way, any time I think of a good idea, I can open up my notebook and write down, "To Do: remember idea."

Self Improvement Tip

Most people don't realize that human feet, when hammered flat, can provide most of the swimming benefits of duck flippers.

Stupid Fish

I bet a frustrating thing about drowning is all of the “just breathe, stupid” looks you get from fish. It’s like, “I’m TRYING to breathe. Also, you are the stupid one for not understanding the differences between lungs and gills.”

Looters

I’ve never understood mobs of looters. Whenever I see one, I can’t help but scream, “Guys! If you hit the sporting goods stores first, you could get some baseball bats and use them to make the rest of the looting much more efficient!” Then when they start attacking me, I often think, “Hey, these guys have a lot more bats than I previously noticed.”

Insomnia

One day my three-year-old son, unable to sleep, called me into his room. When I asked him what the matter was he said he was afraid to go to sleep because of the monster under his bed.

Being a man of reason, I calmly explained to my son how little space there was under his bed. It was just a few inches off the ground and even that space was mostly taken up by stuffed animals and toys. I could barely fit under the bed myself. Surely there was no space for the huge monster he feared

"But the monster can make himself small enough to fit into any space," my son retorted. A chill ran down my spine. What else did this little witch-boy know that he wasn't telling me?

An easy mistake to make

I think we all underestimated brooms a little bit. It's just that, the case for mops is so compelling.

Allow me to save you some embarrassment

When traveling through Europe, you’ll need to adjust your behavior so the locals don’t think you’re a “boorish American.” For example: when attending mass at the Vatican, instead of saying “Amen,” you should always say, “those are big words for such a little Pope.”

Moats

I bet that the number one cause of moat failure is filling the moat with dirt and ladders instead of water and alligators.

Wrong to reconsider?

At first I thought it would be a bad idea to douse myself with beef broth then run naked through a pack of starved hyenas. Later, as I was running from the hyenas, I couldn't help but think that my initial assessment was correct.

Advice for this debutante season

I’ve found that when going to dinner parties, it’s always a good idea to carry a severed thumb. That way, if dinner is boring, you can pretend you accidentally cut your thumb off and leave “to the hospital” immediately. Or, if one of your thumbs is somehow crushed during dinner, you can calm everyone down by saying, “Nobody panic. I have an extra thumb in my right hand pocket.”

The beauty of birth

Parents often say they can see parts of themselves in their newborn child. Especially if the newborn is tightly wrapped in aluminum foil. (Shiny side out.)

Kerry in Cambodia

If I was John Kerry and I was in Cambodia on December 24th, 1968, I would have made sure to leave a small paper trail. Then when reporters asked me for the truth during the 2004 Presidential campaign, I could hand them each an old Reader's Digest and say "Open that baby up to the 'Humor in Uniform' section. I rest my case."

Who has been the most influential person in your life?

The most influential person in my life would probably be the drunk driver that hit me, paralysing me from the neck down.

I hope Dad isn't offended that I didn't say it was him.

Worst gift ever

It's hard to say definitively, but I’d say the worst gift I’ve ever received was a testicle-setter-on-fire-er. It broke the second time I used it.

America loves salsa

If you had told me 25 years ago that salsa would one day outsell ketchup, I would have said: "Dude, I don't give a shit. I'm not even born yet. And when I am born, ranking condiments by U.S. sales revenue isn't exactly at the top of my 'To Do' list."

Correction

Last week Vali's Views reported that Jake's house on Main Street was the "tallest building in the world." As many of you pointed out, this is obviously incorrect.

Vali's Views apologizes for the error. -- Especially to Jake who, upon reading the post, spent several hundred thousand dollars to purchase his neighbor's house and convert it into a World's Tallest Building Museum. However, Vali's Views is still optimistic that the museum's gift shop sales will eventually make the investment worth it.

Celebrity sighting

Having lived in L.A. (Los Angeles for my Spanish readers) for a year, I’ve found myself on the seeing side of numerous celebrity sightings. I’ve seen some big-time celebs in the past, but I think you will agree, esteemed reader, that my celebrity sighting of yesterday afternoon takes the proverbial taco.

I saw the World’s Most Famous Worm.

I was walking down Rodeo Drive, when the World’s Most Famous Worm steps out of Brooks Brothers and starts walking towards me. He was everything I imagined: about 6’ 2” tall, slim figure, and biceps to die for. The World’s Most Famous Worm didn’t look at all like your average worm. That’s the reason he’s so famous.

He had two smoking hot female worms dangling from each arm. And I’m no worm scientist, but I’m pretty sure they were twins.

Some guys get all the luck.

What a bunch of idiots

Have any of those whiny "glass-is-half-empty" people ever considered just using a smaller glass?

Thank you twice, Dad

For my fifth birthday my father bought me a fishing rod and took me out for a day of bonding and, of course, fishing. After a couple of hours on the lake I still hadn't caught anything, but Dad told me to keep my chin up and that my time would come. He was right. Towards the end of the day, I caught a medium-sized sunfish. Dad helped me reel the fish in and had me hold it up for pictures.

"Take a deep breath, son" he said, "that's what pussy smells like."

Years later, that tidbit of trivia helped me become the first all-out winner on Who Wants to Be a Millionare.

A passing fad?

It's been a while since I've seen a news story about a murder. Do those even happen anymore?