My National Book Award Submission (Fiction Category)

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “I know someone who would kill you for a hundred bucks. I can’t really afford it, but you’re really pissing me off right now.”

“That’s too bad,” I replied. “I have a coupon that lets you have someone killed for fifty bucks. I’d give it to you if you weren’t being such a jerk right now.” Then I just watched the look on his face as he tried to decide if he should be nice to me for a bit, in order to get the coupon, or if he should just storm off and overdraw his bank account.

He chose the nice option and a couple hours later I was dead.

Birthdays

A frustrating thing about being a serial killer must be how, on birthdays, everyone gives you murdering equipment as gifts. It's like, "Hey guys, I've killed twenty-three people over a ten
year period, but I go bowling EVERY tuesday. How about a few pairs of athletic socks or something."

This Day in History

On this day one-hundred years ago, my grandfather challenged the Devil to a harmonica contest. I'm not allowed to say exactly what happened, but I can say that one week later, my grandfather was the only roofing contractor left alive in his town.

Sir Issac Newton

Sir Issac Newton said about his discovery of gravity, "I stood on the shoulders of giants." Then the "genius" went on to explain that things fall. Hey Newton, stop putzing around and tell us more about these giants!

Special Non-fiction Vali's View

Overheard at Barnes & Noble

Old Man #1: They've got a lot of great books here.
Old Man #2: They really do!

Note: Old Man #1 and Old Man #2 met each other for the first time, seconds before the above exchange took place, in the Barnes & Noble check-out line.

Cat News

I bet if most people heard that cats had set up their own 24-hour cable news network, they'd expect the cats to do a lot of news stories about balls of yarn, especially threatening dogs, and catnip. But I bet what would actually happen is the cats would just stand around meowing and licking themselves, like a bunch of morons.

Innocents Abroad

Vali's Views goes multimedia.

The Only Way It Could Have Happened

INT. MONSTERS INCORPORATED HEADQUARTERS- DAY

JAMES, an ambitious but unpolished twenty-year-old, bursts through the front door and addresses WINTHORP, the president of the New Monsters Division of Monsters Inc.

JAMES: Sir, I have created I monster that I think would be of great interest to you.
WINTHORP: Get outta here, kid. I’ve gotta business to run.
J: Just hear me out, Sir. I call him Dracula. He’s a fanged count who lives in a coffin and whose only source of life is the warm blood of human beings. Deathly allergic to sunlight, he must hunt by night and he is able to transform himself into a bat at will.
W: You’re a moron, kid. If you wouldn’t mind letting yourself out, that’d be real nice. Some of us have work to do.
J: Garlic.
W: What did you just say?
J: Dracula is also afraid of garlic.
[WINTHORP looks JAMES up and down as a smile crosses his face.]
W: Somebody get this kid a desk and the biggest office we’ve got!

Million dollar publishing tip

Every book of quotations should be titled "Smart People Saying Stupid Things."

The search continues

If anyone knows of an establishment where like-minded gentlemen can gather to jazzercize without any sexual tension please let me know.

World's greatest dad II

This morning, I saw the world's greatest dad. Even more amazing, that mug somehow fathered a child.

Overheard at the doctor's office

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Due to complications during the birth of your son...er, I mean daughter...wait, which one has the penis? I was right the first time wasn't I?Anyways due to complications during the birth, I'm afraid your wife has passed away.
Wife: Hi, honey!
Doctor: I'll be honest. I'm baffled right now.

Suspicious package

Pedestrians in Pine Green Park spotted a suspicious package yesterday. It exploded before police could arrive. Now we will probably never know what was in that package.

Do the math, people

It's crazy that people think that, "one in the hand is worth two in the bush." I mean on one hand you have one thing, while on the other you have two things and a bush. That's a total of three things!

Fat ugly scientists

Whenever I see a really fat and ugly scientist I always think to myself, "I bet that guy is really close to inventing an invisibility potion."

Twins

The best thing about having twins is probably all of the money you save from not having to buy a "decoy kid."

The way I see it #44

"Almost any liquid can be effectively transported using water-bottles." - Vali

The view expressed above is that of Vali and does not necessarily reflect the views of Vali's Views.

Duel

If ever challeneged to a duel and asked to name my weapon of choice, I'd request a plastic rake. That would make everyone think I was really brazen. And my fierce display of bravado would probably send a chill of terror down my opponent's spine. Also, most people do not have plastic rakes readily avaliable. So that would buy me ample time to run away.

Not sure if I stole this

If I like white milk better than chocolate milk, does that make me lactose intolerant?

Desert Island

I'm always surprised at the responses when I ask people, "what book would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?" People say, "The Great Gatsby" or "Ulysses" or some other equally stupid answer. Are these people serious? The book I would take would be far bigger and more raftlike. Perhaps even have a canopy.