An easy mistake to make

I think we all underestimated brooms a little bit. It's just that, the case for mops is so compelling.

Allow me to save you some embarrassment

When traveling through Europe, you’ll need to adjust your behavior so the locals don’t think you’re a “boorish American.” For example: when attending mass at the Vatican, instead of saying “Amen,” you should always say, “those are big words for such a little Pope.”

Moats

I bet that the number one cause of moat failure is filling the moat with dirt and ladders instead of water and alligators.

Wrong to reconsider?

At first I thought it would be a bad idea to douse myself with beef broth then run naked through a pack of starved hyenas. Later, as I was running from the hyenas, I couldn't help but think that my initial assessment was correct.

Advice for this debutante season

I’ve found that when going to dinner parties, it’s always a good idea to carry a severed thumb. That way, if dinner is boring, you can pretend you accidentally cut your thumb off and leave “to the hospital” immediately. Or, if one of your thumbs is somehow crushed during dinner, you can calm everyone down by saying, “Nobody panic. I have an extra thumb in my right hand pocket.”

The beauty of birth

Parents often say they can see parts of themselves in their newborn child. Especially if the newborn is tightly wrapped in aluminum foil. (Shiny side out.)

Kerry in Cambodia

If I was John Kerry and I was in Cambodia on December 24th, 1968, I would have made sure to leave a small paper trail. Then when reporters asked me for the truth during the 2004 Presidential campaign, I could hand them each an old Reader's Digest and say "Open that baby up to the 'Humor in Uniform' section. I rest my case."

Who has been the most influential person in your life?

The most influential person in my life would probably be the drunk driver that hit me, paralysing me from the neck down.

I hope Dad isn't offended that I didn't say it was him.

Worst gift ever

It's hard to say definitively, but I’d say the worst gift I’ve ever received was a testicle-setter-on-fire-er. It broke the second time I used it.

America loves salsa

If you had told me 25 years ago that salsa would one day outsell ketchup, I would have said: "Dude, I don't give a shit. I'm not even born yet. And when I am born, ranking condiments by U.S. sales revenue isn't exactly at the top of my 'To Do' list."

Correction

Last week Vali's Views reported that Jake's house on Main Street was the "tallest building in the world." As many of you pointed out, this is obviously incorrect.

Vali's Views apologizes for the error. -- Especially to Jake who, upon reading the post, spent several hundred thousand dollars to purchase his neighbor's house and convert it into a World's Tallest Building Museum. However, Vali's Views is still optimistic that the museum's gift shop sales will eventually make the investment worth it.

Celebrity sighting

Having lived in L.A. (Los Angeles for my Spanish readers) for a year, I’ve found myself on the seeing side of numerous celebrity sightings. I’ve seen some big-time celebs in the past, but I think you will agree, esteemed reader, that my celebrity sighting of yesterday afternoon takes the proverbial taco.

I saw the World’s Most Famous Worm.

I was walking down Rodeo Drive, when the World’s Most Famous Worm steps out of Brooks Brothers and starts walking towards me. He was everything I imagined: about 6’ 2” tall, slim figure, and biceps to die for. The World’s Most Famous Worm didn’t look at all like your average worm. That’s the reason he’s so famous.

He had two smoking hot female worms dangling from each arm. And I’m no worm scientist, but I’m pretty sure they were twins.

Some guys get all the luck.

What a bunch of idiots

Have any of those whiny "glass-is-half-empty" people ever considered just using a smaller glass?

Thank you twice, Dad

For my fifth birthday my father bought me a fishing rod and took me out for a day of bonding and, of course, fishing. After a couple of hours on the lake I still hadn't caught anything, but Dad told me to keep my chin up and that my time would come. He was right. Towards the end of the day, I caught a medium-sized sunfish. Dad helped me reel the fish in and had me hold it up for pictures.

"Take a deep breath, son" he said, "that's what pussy smells like."

Years later, that tidbit of trivia helped me become the first all-out winner on Who Wants to Be a Millionare.

A passing fad?

It's been a while since I've seen a news story about a murder. Do those even happen anymore?