Aliens

If an alien ever comes up to you and says, “take me to your leader,” you should respond, “you’re talking to him,” because the alien is probably just trying to deliver a package. And hey, free package!

Learn from my mistake

Before the anesthesia kicks in, make sure the doctor understands that when you say you want a "bigger penis," you mean that you want your existing penis to be made larger, not that you want a second, slightly larger, penis to be added.

War

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read, "War is not the answer." That seems a little presumptuous, don't you think? What if the question is, "What is a three letter word for a fight between armies?"

Nobel Peace Prize

I think a good way to select the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize would be to bring the two finalists up and tell them that the winner will be determined by a wrestling match. The wrestling match would, obviously, be great. After a couple of minutes one of the nominees would pin the other and the crowd would go crazy. Then, someone could quiet the crowd down and announce, “Actually, the loser of the wrestling match is the greater lover of peace. The Nobel Prize goes to him.”

Now, I know this plan isn't foolproof. So, if someone else has a better plan to get the Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Steve Urkel, I'm all ears.

The timing seemed right

I never saw Dad happier than the day my little sister was born. I remember sitting in the waiting room when he came out, with a huge smile on his face, to deliver the news. After a few shouts of congratulations, one of my dad’s buddies slapped him on the back, shook his hand and said, “It’s about time you lost your virginity!” I was eleven years old at the time, so I knew what this meant and, needless to say, I was a little perplexed. Then Dad let out a laugh, looked me in the eye and, with a wink, explained, "Vali, you were adopted."

Love Potion

When my ten-year-old son told me he had invented a perfume that would make anyone who smelled it fall hopelessly in love with him, I had to laugh. That kid of mine. He's so naive and imaginative and, I just noticed this, really sexy.

Astronauts

I just thought of this good trick to play on a group of astronauts: While the astronauts are in space, everyone should glue two antennae to his or her head. Then when the astronauts return, we could tell them that the world was taken over by aliens and that they will be getting antennae soon too. After a few hours we would let the astronauts in on the joke, but not before buying all of their hats off them at bargain prices.

My wedding

I don’t want to force everyone to re-live last evening, but I really think that when a priest tells you the wedding will be black tie, he should note that other articles of clothing are also required.

Think about the shape of the filament

You might be surprised to learn how many great inventions are the result of fortuitous accidents. For example: Thomas Edison accidentally invented the light bulb while trying to create an electric chair for worms.

Epilogue: To this day, nobody has been able to invent a worm electric chair. Worms convicted of capital crimes are hanged, like common savages. Like that of all great inventions, the story of the lightbulb is bittersweet.

Christmas

I still remember the moment I realized there was no Santa Clause. It was Christmas Eve, 1985. I had stayed up all night waiting for ole’ Saint Nicholas, but, of course, he never came. I was crushed.

A few moments later, my children burst into the living room looking for their presents. Naturally, they thought I had stolen the presents and began kicking me and hurling obscenities. Eventually the kicking subsided and, piled up in the middle of the floor, we all shared a little cry. In the end, isn’t that what Christmas is all about? (In some cultures?)

Cereal killers

If there was a serial killer who, one-by-one, started killing the CEOs of all the major cereal companies, I bet the papers would have a field day with all of the “‘Cereal’ Killer Strikes Again” headlines. But eventually, there would be no more cereal company CEOs left and the killer would have to move on to Nutra-grain bar company CEOs. And frankly, that’s not something I’m comfortable joking about.

Baby steps

I bet the thought that goes through a baby's mind just before attempting his or her first steps is: "You know what would be awesome? My face hitting the floor really hard."

Overheard at the water cooler

Jenkins: Do you think this thing might be bugged?
Ropert: What? The water cooler? There's no way.
Police officer through bullhorn: Freeze! You're both under arrest.
SFX: Window breaking, light artillery fire.

- Submitted by Leona Roberts from the Bringing Paper Together Stapler Co. in Columbus, OH

Ideas

I always carry a pen and notepad with me. That way, any time I think of a good idea, I can open up my notebook and write down, "To Do: remember idea."

Self Improvement Tip

Most people don't realize that human feet, when hammered flat, can provide most of the swimming benefits of duck flippers.

Stupid Fish

I bet a frustrating thing about drowning is all of the “just breathe, stupid” looks you get from fish. It’s like, “I’m TRYING to breathe. Also, you are the stupid one for not understanding the differences between lungs and gills.”

Looters

I’ve never understood mobs of looters. Whenever I see one, I can’t help but scream, “Guys! If you hit the sporting goods stores first, you could get some baseball bats and use them to make the rest of the looting much more efficient!” Then when they start attacking me, I often think, “Hey, these guys have a lot more bats than I previously noticed.”

Insomnia

One day my three-year-old son, unable to sleep, called me into his room. When I asked him what the matter was he said he was afraid to go to sleep because of the monster under his bed.

Being a man of reason, I calmly explained to my son how little space there was under his bed. It was just a few inches off the ground and even that space was mostly taken up by stuffed animals and toys. I could barely fit under the bed myself. Surely there was no space for the huge monster he feared

"But the monster can make himself small enough to fit into any space," my son retorted. A chill ran down my spine. What else did this little witch-boy know that he wasn't telling me?