First date

If you’re ever on a first date that’s going poorly, a good idea is to tell the girl that the earth is going to be destroyed by a giant meteor in 30 minutes. Not wanting to die alone, your date will probably smooch you for a while. Then if the earth actually is destroyed by a giant meteor, you’ll seem really smart. That’d probably guarantee you a second date.

Nobody liked Alexander Graham Bell

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876. However, he didn't know if the invention worked or not until 1880, because everyone kept giving him fake phone numbers.

One thing Anheuser Bush can do to save the earth

Environmentalists recommend cutting up plastic six-pack rings so sea birds don't get caught in them and die. A better idea is: sea bird shaped beer cans. Then as garbage floats though an oil spill that is being burned off the water, a cleanup worker may be rewarded with the sight of 6 sea birds gracefully swooping through 6 flaming enviromentally friendly "rings." That should bring a tear of joy to even the most callous environmentalist's eye.

Cobra bite

If you ever get bitten by a King Cobra, try drinking a crisp refreshing glass of Lipton iced-tea. I don't think this will save you, but I just bought a bunch of Lipton stock so at least your death won't be in vain.

You're welcome, future son

During the birth of my next son I'm going to be right there, with a gun aimed right between his eyes, firing off a couple of blanks. I figure, the early brush with death will allow him to live his whole life with a "new lease on life."

First Concert

No matter how bad the band was, everyone fondly remembers his or her first concert. My first concert was a Christmas day show in Hanoi. (I was travelling at the time.) It was an avant-garde show; I, and all of the other singers, wore handcuffs and blindfolds while our captors kept time with gunshots. Sure, later concerts may have featured better music but there was something unique about that first show that I haven't felt since.