Not sure if I stole this

If I like white milk better than chocolate milk, does that make me lactose intolerant?

Desert Island

I'm always surprised at the responses when I ask people, "what book would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?" People say, "The Great Gatsby" or "Ulysses" or some other equally stupid answer. Are these people serious? The book I would take would be far bigger and more raftlike. Perhaps even have a canopy.

On education

When you see a wolf that has been raised by people, like at a zoo, it acts like a regular wolf. On the other hand when you see a person who was raised by a pack of wolves, it's weird because he looks like a person but acts like a wolf. This leads me to believe that wolves must be great teachers.

I am the Godel of slang

I don’t think it’s right for both “dough” and “bread” to be slang terms for money. Dough can be turned into bread. If someone says, “I need some bread,” I’ll give him some money. And if someone says, “Can you spare me some dough,” I’ll give him some stock tips.

My best get-rich quick scheme to date

In the future, I bet a big problem for guys will be: girls wanting to have sex with clones of their boyfriends rather than their actual boyfriends. That’s why I’ve trademarked the phrase, “One clone with extra-small penis, please.”^TM

Now I just sit back and wait for the millions to roll in.