You heard it here first

Early exit polls indicate that the most popular insult of 2004 will be "dick-a-lope."

Useage example:
(Setting: almost anywhere)
ME: Zach has been quite a dick-a-lope as of late.
ANOTHER PERSON: What?

A proposition

I think a better, more accurate, name for velcro wallets would be "pussy magnets."

Your dolphin...

I don't know how dolphins developed this reputation of being so smart. Most of the dolphins I know are so stupid that if you told them it was "chilly outside" they'd go grab a bowl and a spoon.

Reader Mail

Dear VALI

This is to notify you that your Verizon Avenue statement dated Oct 26, 2004 is available to view on-line at www.verizonvoyager.com/support_customer_service . You can view, print and pay your bill online 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please remember that you will continue receiving your paper bill in the mail. Thank you for being a Verizon Avenue customer.

Dear Verizon,

Not sure which post you're referring to. Please be more specific.

Yours in Christ,
Vali

Gambling

If you ever gamble your wife away in a game of poker, don’t panic. Remember, you’re on the market again and you’re going to have to act cool to impress the ladies.

New element discovered

Cambridge, Massachusetts (AP) – Harvard University scientists announced the discovery of a new element today. The element was discovered when the scientists were looking at a periodic table and noticed a square, labeled Ununpentium, which they hadn’t noticed before. The scientists responded to questions about the properties of the new element with shrugs and, occasionally, swear words directed at the questioner.

Boxing referee

I bet that if you're a boxing referee and you get a new roomate, the first time the new roomate sees you in your refereeing tuxedo he'd say, "Looking sharp. Big date tonight?" Then you would say, "Nope. Just got to make sure these two guys beat the shit out of each other."

A tip

If you're a crazy drunk hobo, try slipping your penis outside of your pants the next time you need to urinate. It will only take a fraction of a second, and you'll notice the lifestyle improvement almost immediately.

Patrick Henry

Historians in Massachusetts recently discovered that Patrick Henry’s famous “Give me liberty, or give me death” demand was actually the first line from the following advertising jingle, which the great patriot wrote and performed:

Give me liberty, or give me death
Neither are as bad, as really bad breath
So buy some Altoids down at Seth’s