Wednesday, November 26, 2008

If I Lived in Metropolis When A Supervillan Attacked

Come on, people. I only have an hour for lunch and I'd rather not spend half of it in the street, fighting my way through another one of these scared mobs. So if I could just get through...

Oh, my God! I can't believe this is happening!

Seriously? This sort of thing happens in Metropolis all the time. That's why everyone thought I was crazy when I transferred here from the London office of my strategy consulting firm. Just within the last month a giant meteor has threatened to kill us all, four different mind-control chemicals have been released into the water supply, and Lois Lane has been kidnapped six hundred times. So frankly, I'm not surprised by what is happening. In fact, I'm surprised that you're surprised. Just to be clear: we are both surprised, but for very different reasons. Your reason is stupid.

We can't let all those innocent people die!

Look, pal. I was just talking about this situation with the lady behind you. I don't want to appear callous here, but I think history has taught us that we don't need to worry. How many innocent people have ever been killed by one of these "diabolical masterminds?" That's right, none. Every single person is saved every single time. Yet, you people always work yourself into a terrified frenzy. Why? You're just giving the villains what they want: fear, panic, hysteria. They love that stuff. I bet we'd see a significant decline in criminal masterplans if people just ignored these bald cries for attention.

Look! Up in the sky!

Finally. Why does this guy always have to be so dramatic? I've lived in Metropolis for fifteen years now and never once has the "Man of Steel" showed up before the last possible minute…

It's a bird!

What!? Are we seriously going to go through this charade? A crowd of five-thousand people is transfixed on a giant clock counting down to zero seconds, when Lex Luthor's death missile will shoot out a million tiny spinning saw blades followed by a shower of salt and an atomic explosion. LEX LUTHOR. The name mean anything to you? He's sort of a big deal when it comes to trying to kill people. Given all this, you think someone pointed up to the sky to let everybody know that a bird is flying overhead? Number One: Why would anybody care about that when we're all about to be murdered? Number Two: THERE ARE BIRDS IN THE SKY ALL THE TIME! Why would anyone bother to call that out? When you're walking down the street do you stop people and say, "Hey, check out that grass – it's green!" No. Because that would be stupid. My point is, the bird thing is just that stupid. I might not be explaining myself as clearly as possible here, but that's okay because reason Number One - we're all about to be murdered - is really the more important reason why you're a dolt….oh, I just thought of another one! Number Three: Birds don't wear red capes… Though I suppose the thing in the sky does look like a blue bird with a red back. A bird matching that description might exist. I don't really know a lot about birds. It seems unlikely though. Anyways, like I said, reason Number One is the main part of my argument.

It's a plane!

Are you kidding me? I thought the last guy was dumb, but you sir, are in many ways much dumber.

I've got it. It's a plane that's been painted to appear like a bird!

This is getting ridiculous. United and American are the only airlines that service the Metropolis airport and neither paint their planes to look like birds. I should know. I fly a lot for my work.

The bird-plane is coming towards us!


I can't believe Lex Luthor has captured Superman and has imprisoned him in that building, because we could really use him to save our lives right now!

Wait, what? Is this true?

Yes, it was announced a few minutes before that guy yelled to look up in the sky!

Oh... He would be really helpful for stopping the missles that bird-plane is shooting at us right now.

We're all going to die!



Jack said...

Too soon! (After the Mumbai hostage situation.)

Anonymous said...
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Vinny said...

nice views!
why no more?

Manoj Venkat said...

Interesting blog posts. Just a clarification. Are you a writer at 30 rock? Cuz there's a Vali Chandrasekharan. Reply.