Accidental identity theft

Last week I was trying to order something from QVC when the sales representative asked for my credit card number. I don’t have a credit card, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of the QVC sales rep. So I told him my number was “0000 0000 0000 0001.” The next day I was arrested for stealing the CEO of American Express’s identity.

Not worth the trip

My son thinks it would be fun to go back in time and see the dinosaurs. But scientists tell us that most dinosaurs were in bed by 9PM. What’s my son going to do after that? Sit at the bar by himself?

Flooding

I haven’t done a lot of research into this, but I’m pretty sure 90% of flooding is caused by fields of grass on hunger strikes.

Score one for the frogs

Once upon a time, a princess happened upon a peculiar looking frog. "An evil witch has placed a curse upon me," croaked the frog. "If you kiss me, I shall return to my original form," he added. The princess complied and the frog, true to his word, revealed himself to be a dashingly handsome prince. The two lived happily ever after.

Not long after this story became well known, princesses all over Europe could be seen on the outskirts of marshes, fucking the brains out of frog after frog.

Enough sugarcoating of the truth

They say, "video killed the radio star." What they don't tell you is that the radio stars struck first, killing a group of silent movie stars just to hear what it sounded like.

Journalistic integrity

Whenever my local TV reporter is doing a story about an orphanage fire that killed dozens of children, she always ends with: "We'll never know if one of those poor children could have grown up to cure cancer." When I hear that, I always want to add, "and, though it's statistically more probable, we'll also never know if one of those kids could have grown up to kill and eat his wife."

World's greatest dad

If they ever really start giving out a "World's Greatest Dad" award, I hope the first winner is a guy who has been impotent since birth. -- just to let everyone know, "we're going to have some fun with this."