My National Book Award Submission (Fiction Category)

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “I know someone who would kill you for a hundred bucks. I can’t really afford it, but you’re really pissing me off right now.”

“That’s too bad,” I replied. “I have a coupon that lets you have someone killed for fifty bucks. I’d give it to you if you weren’t being such a jerk right now.” Then I just watched the look on his face as he tried to decide if he should be nice to me for a bit, in order to get the coupon, or if he should just storm off and overdraw his bank account.

He chose the nice option and a couple hours later I was dead.

Birthdays

A frustrating thing about being a serial killer must be how, on birthdays, everyone gives you murdering equipment as gifts. It's like, "Hey guys, I've killed twenty-three people over a ten
year period, but I go bowling EVERY tuesday. How about a few pairs of athletic socks or something."

This Day in History

On this day one-hundred years ago, my grandfather challenged the Devil to a harmonica contest. I'm not allowed to say exactly what happened, but I can say that one week later, my grandfather was the only roofing contractor left alive in his town.

Sir Issac Newton

Sir Issac Newton said about his discovery of gravity, "I stood on the shoulders of giants." Then the "genius" went on to explain that things fall. Hey Newton, stop putzing around and tell us more about these giants!