Not sure if I stole this

If I like white milk better than chocolate milk, does that make me lactose intolerant?

Desert Island

I'm always surprised at the responses when I ask people, "what book would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?" People say, "The Great Gatsby" or "Ulysses" or some other equally stupid answer. Are these people serious? The book I would take would be far bigger and more raftlike. Perhaps even have a canopy.

On education

When you see a wolf that has been raised by people, like at a zoo, it acts like a regular wolf. On the other hand when you see a person who was raised by a pack of wolves, it's weird because he looks like a person but acts like a wolf. This leads me to believe that wolves must be great teachers.

I am the Godel of slang

I don’t think it’s right for both “dough” and “bread” to be slang terms for money. Dough can be turned into bread. If someone says, “I need some bread,” I’ll give him some money. And if someone says, “Can you spare me some dough,” I’ll give him some stock tips.

My best get-rich quick scheme to date

In the future, I bet a big problem for guys will be: girls wanting to have sex with clones of their boyfriends rather than their actual boyfriends. That’s why I’ve trademarked the phrase, “One clone with extra-small penis, please.”^TM

Now I just sit back and wait for the millions to roll in.

Accidental identity theft

Last week I was trying to order something from QVC when the sales representative asked for my credit card number. I don’t have a credit card, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of the QVC sales rep. So I told him my number was “0000 0000 0000 0001.” The next day I was arrested for stealing the CEO of American Express’s identity.

Not worth the trip

My son thinks it would be fun to go back in time and see the dinosaurs. But scientists tell us that most dinosaurs were in bed by 9PM. What’s my son going to do after that? Sit at the bar by himself?

Flooding

I haven’t done a lot of research into this, but I’m pretty sure 90% of flooding is caused by fields of grass on hunger strikes.

Score one for the frogs

Once upon a time, a princess happened upon a peculiar looking frog. "An evil witch has placed a curse upon me," croaked the frog. "If you kiss me, I shall return to my original form," he added. The princess complied and the frog, true to his word, revealed himself to be a dashingly handsome prince. The two lived happily ever after.

Not long after this story became well known, princesses all over Europe could be seen on the outskirts of marshes, fucking the brains out of frog after frog.

Enough sugarcoating of the truth

They say, "video killed the radio star." What they don't tell you is that the radio stars struck first, killing a group of silent movie stars just to hear what it sounded like.

Journalistic integrity

Whenever my local TV reporter is doing a story about an orphanage fire that killed dozens of children, she always ends with: "We'll never know if one of those poor children could have grown up to cure cancer." When I hear that, I always want to add, "and, though it's statistically more probable, we'll also never know if one of those kids could have grown up to kill and eat his wife."

World's greatest dad

If they ever really start giving out a "World's Greatest Dad" award, I hope the first winner is a guy who has been impotent since birth. -- just to let everyone know, "we're going to have some fun with this."

First date

If you’re ever on a first date that’s going poorly, a good idea is to tell the girl that the earth is going to be destroyed by a giant meteor in 30 minutes. Not wanting to die alone, your date will probably smooch you for a while. Then if the earth actually is destroyed by a giant meteor, you’ll seem really smart. That’d probably guarantee you a second date.

Nobody liked Alexander Graham Bell

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876. However, he didn't know if the invention worked or not until 1880, because everyone kept giving him fake phone numbers.

One thing Anheuser Bush can do to save the earth

Environmentalists recommend cutting up plastic six-pack rings so sea birds don't get caught in them and die. A better idea is: sea bird shaped beer cans. Then as garbage floats though an oil spill that is being burned off the water, a cleanup worker may be rewarded with the sight of 6 sea birds gracefully swooping through 6 flaming enviromentally friendly "rings." That should bring a tear of joy to even the most callous environmentalist's eye.

Cobra bite

If you ever get bitten by a King Cobra, try drinking a crisp refreshing glass of Lipton iced-tea. I don't think this will save you, but I just bought a bunch of Lipton stock so at least your death won't be in vain.

You're welcome, future son

During the birth of my next son I'm going to be right there, with a gun aimed right between his eyes, firing off a couple of blanks. I figure, the early brush with death will allow him to live his whole life with a "new lease on life."

First Concert

No matter how bad the band was, everyone fondly remembers his or her first concert. My first concert was a Christmas day show in Hanoi. (I was travelling at the time.) It was an avant-garde show; I, and all of the other singers, wore handcuffs and blindfolds while our captors kept time with gunshots. Sure, later concerts may have featured better music but there was something unique about that first show that I haven't felt since.

Squirrels

As I watched the squirrel store up acorns, one-by-one, for the coming winter, I realized that the squirrel and I had a lot in common. Both of us live in California. Neither of us has a job. (Probably due to racism.) And finally, both of us love fucking other squirrels.

Some things just never change

Though the number of arranged marriages in India has declined in recent years, arranged gay marriages are as popular as ever.