You heard it here first

Early exit polls indicate that the most popular insult of 2004 will be "dick-a-lope."

Useage example:
(Setting: almost anywhere)
ME: Zach has been quite a dick-a-lope as of late.
ANOTHER PERSON: What?

A proposition

I think a better, more accurate, name for velcro wallets would be "pussy magnets."

Your dolphin...

I don't know how dolphins developed this reputation of being so smart. Most of the dolphins I know are so stupid that if you told them it was "chilly outside" they'd go grab a bowl and a spoon.

Reader Mail

Dear VALI

This is to notify you that your Verizon Avenue statement dated Oct 26, 2004 is available to view on-line at www.verizonvoyager.com/support_customer_service . You can view, print and pay your bill online 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please remember that you will continue receiving your paper bill in the mail. Thank you for being a Verizon Avenue customer.

Dear Verizon,

Not sure which post you're referring to. Please be more specific.

Yours in Christ,
Vali

Gambling

If you ever gamble your wife away in a game of poker, don’t panic. Remember, you’re on the market again and you’re going to have to act cool to impress the ladies.

New element discovered

Cambridge, Massachusetts (AP) – Harvard University scientists announced the discovery of a new element today. The element was discovered when the scientists were looking at a periodic table and noticed a square, labeled Ununpentium, which they hadn’t noticed before. The scientists responded to questions about the properties of the new element with shrugs and, occasionally, swear words directed at the questioner.

Boxing referee

I bet that if you're a boxing referee and you get a new roomate, the first time the new roomate sees you in your refereeing tuxedo he'd say, "Looking sharp. Big date tonight?" Then you would say, "Nope. Just got to make sure these two guys beat the shit out of each other."

A tip

If you're a crazy drunk hobo, try slipping your penis outside of your pants the next time you need to urinate. It will only take a fraction of a second, and you'll notice the lifestyle improvement almost immediately.

Patrick Henry

Historians in Massachusetts recently discovered that Patrick Henry’s famous “Give me liberty, or give me death” demand was actually the first line from the following advertising jingle, which the great patriot wrote and performed:

Give me liberty, or give me death
Neither are as bad, as really bad breath
So buy some Altoids down at Seth’s

Aliens

If an alien ever comes up to you and says, “take me to your leader,” you should respond, “you’re talking to him,” because the alien is probably just trying to deliver a package. And hey, free package!

Learn from my mistake

Before the anesthesia kicks in, make sure the doctor understands that when you say you want a "bigger penis," you mean that you want your existing penis to be made larger, not that you want a second, slightly larger, penis to be added.

War

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read, "War is not the answer." That seems a little presumptuous, don't you think? What if the question is, "What is a three letter word for a fight between armies?"

Nobel Peace Prize

I think a good way to select the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize would be to bring the two finalists up and tell them that the winner will be determined by a wrestling match. The wrestling match would, obviously, be great. After a couple of minutes one of the nominees would pin the other and the crowd would go crazy. Then, someone could quiet the crowd down and announce, “Actually, the loser of the wrestling match is the greater lover of peace. The Nobel Prize goes to him.”

Now, I know this plan isn't foolproof. So, if someone else has a better plan to get the Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Steve Urkel, I'm all ears.

The timing seemed right

I never saw Dad happier than the day my little sister was born. I remember sitting in the waiting room when he came out, with a huge smile on his face, to deliver the news. After a few shouts of congratulations, one of my dad’s buddies slapped him on the back, shook his hand and said, “It’s about time you lost your virginity!” I was eleven years old at the time, so I knew what this meant and, needless to say, I was a little perplexed. Then Dad let out a laugh, looked me in the eye and, with a wink, explained, "Vali, you were adopted."

Love Potion

When my ten-year-old son told me he had invented a perfume that would make anyone who smelled it fall hopelessly in love with him, I had to laugh. That kid of mine. He's so naive and imaginative and, I just noticed this, really sexy.

Astronauts

I just thought of this good trick to play on a group of astronauts: While the astronauts are in space, everyone should glue two antennae to his or her head. Then when the astronauts return, we could tell them that the world was taken over by aliens and that they will be getting antennae soon too. After a few hours we would let the astronauts in on the joke, but not before buying all of their hats off them at bargain prices.

My wedding

I don’t want to force everyone to re-live last evening, but I really think that when a priest tells you the wedding will be black tie, he should note that other articles of clothing are also required.

Think about the shape of the filament

You might be surprised to learn how many great inventions are the result of fortuitous accidents. For example: Thomas Edison accidentally invented the light bulb while trying to create an electric chair for worms.

Epilogue: To this day, nobody has been able to invent a worm electric chair. Worms convicted of capital crimes are hanged, like common savages. Like that of all great inventions, the story of the lightbulb is bittersweet.

Christmas

I still remember the moment I realized there was no Santa Clause. It was Christmas Eve, 1985. I had stayed up all night waiting for ole’ Saint Nicholas, but, of course, he never came. I was crushed.

A few moments later, my children burst into the living room looking for their presents. Naturally, they thought I had stolen the presents and began kicking me and hurling obscenities. Eventually the kicking subsided and, piled up in the middle of the floor, we all shared a little cry. In the end, isn’t that what Christmas is all about? (In some cultures?)

Cereal killers

If there was a serial killer who, one-by-one, started killing the CEOs of all the major cereal companies, I bet the papers would have a field day with all of the “‘Cereal’ Killer Strikes Again” headlines. But eventually, there would be no more cereal company CEOs left and the killer would have to move on to Nutra-grain bar company CEOs. And frankly, that’s not something I’m comfortable joking about.