Same Views, New Location

My latest efforts are at The View From Chennai.  Read me there!

If I Lived in Metropolis When A Supervillan Attacked

Come on, people. I only have an hour for lunch and I'd rather not spend half of it in the street, fighting my way through another one of these scared mobs. So if I could just get through...

Oh, my God! I can't believe this is happening!

Seriously? This sort of thing happens in Metropolis all the time. That's why everyone thought I was crazy when I transferred here from the London office of my strategy consulting firm. Just within the last month a giant meteor has threatened to kill us all, four different mind-control chemicals have been released into the water supply, and Lois Lane has been kidnapped six hundred times. So frankly, I'm not surprised by what is happening. In fact, I'm surprised that you're surprised. Just to be clear: we are both surprised, but for very different reasons. Your reason is stupid.

We can't let all those innocent people die!

Look, pal. I was just talking about this situation with the lady behind you. I don't want to appear callous here, but I think history has taught us that we don't need to worry. How many innocent people have ever been killed by one of these "diabolical masterminds?" That's right, none. Every single person is saved every single time. Yet, you people always work yourself into a terrified frenzy. Why? You're just giving the villains what they want: fear, panic, hysteria. They love that stuff. I bet we'd see a significant decline in criminal masterplans if people just ignored these bald cries for attention.

Look! Up in the sky!

Finally. Why does this guy always have to be so dramatic? I've lived in Metropolis for fifteen years now and never once has the "Man of Steel" showed up before the last possible minute…

It's a bird!

What!? Are we seriously going to go through this charade? A crowd of five-thousand people is transfixed on a giant clock counting down to zero seconds, when Lex Luthor's death missile will shoot out a million tiny spinning saw blades followed by a shower of salt and an atomic explosion. LEX LUTHOR. The name mean anything to you? He's sort of a big deal when it comes to trying to kill people. Given all this, you think someone pointed up to the sky to let everybody know that a bird is flying overhead? Number One: Why would anybody care about that when we're all about to be murdered? Number Two: THERE ARE BIRDS IN THE SKY ALL THE TIME! Why would anyone bother to call that out? When you're walking down the street do you stop people and say, "Hey, check out that grass – it's green!" No. Because that would be stupid. My point is, the bird thing is just that stupid. I might not be explaining myself as clearly as possible here, but that's okay because reason Number One - we're all about to be murdered - is really the more important reason why you're a dolt….oh, I just thought of another one! Number Three: Birds don't wear red capes… Though I suppose the thing in the sky does look like a blue bird with a red back. A bird matching that description might exist. I don't really know a lot about birds. It seems unlikely though. Anyways, like I said, reason Number One is the main part of my argument.

It's a plane!

Are you kidding me? I thought the last guy was dumb, but you sir, are in many ways much dumber.

I've got it. It's a plane that's been painted to appear like a bird!

This is getting ridiculous. United and American are the only airlines that service the Metropolis airport and neither paint their planes to look like birds. I should know. I fly a lot for my work.

The bird-plane is coming towards us!

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S SUPERMAN YOU IDIOTS.

I can't believe Lex Luthor has captured Superman and has imprisoned him in that building, because we could really use him to save our lives right now!

Wait, what? Is this true?

Yes, it was announced a few minutes before that guy yelled to look up in the sky!

Oh... He would be really helpful for stopping the missles that bird-plane is shooting at us right now.

We're all going to die!

Probably.

Coming Soon!

The Ridiculous Race comes out on July 8th, 2008.

Learn more, see Steve and Vali on Last Call with Carson Daily, and become a fan, here.

Views in Other Venues

@ the New Republic:

The Secret GOP Strategy to Keep Larry Craig From Showing Up At Work.

Less Innocent, More Abroad

The beginning of the Ridiculous Race. And the end of Steve Hely?

Oscar Fashion Misses

What was Clive Owen thinking?

Vali Grants Rare Interview

Here.

My National Book Award Submission (Fiction Category)

He looked me straight in the eye and said, “I know someone who would kill you for a hundred bucks. I can’t really afford it, but you’re really pissing me off right now.”

“That’s too bad,” I replied. “I have a coupon that lets you have someone killed for fifty bucks. I’d give it to you if you weren’t being such a jerk right now.” Then I just watched the look on his face as he tried to decide if he should be nice to me for a bit, in order to get the coupon, or if he should just storm off and overdraw his bank account.

He chose the nice option and a couple hours later I was dead.

Birthdays

A frustrating thing about being a serial killer must be how, on birthdays, everyone gives you murdering equipment as gifts. It's like, "Hey guys, I've killed twenty-three people over a ten
year period, but I go bowling EVERY tuesday. How about a few pairs of athletic socks or something."

This Day in History

On this day one-hundred years ago, my grandfather challenged the Devil to a harmonica contest. I'm not allowed to say exactly what happened, but I can say that one week later, my grandfather was the only roofing contractor left alive in his town.

Sir Issac Newton

Sir Issac Newton said about his discovery of gravity, "I stood on the shoulders of giants." Then the "genius" went on to explain that things fall. Hey Newton, stop putzing around and tell us more about these giants!

Special Non-fiction Vali's View

Overheard at Barnes & Noble

Old Man #1: They've got a lot of great books here.
Old Man #2: They really do!

Note: Old Man #1 and Old Man #2 met each other for the first time, seconds before the above exchange took place, in the Barnes & Noble check-out line.

Cat News

I bet if most people heard that cats had set up their own 24-hour cable news network, they'd expect the cats to do a lot of news stories about balls of yarn, especially threatening dogs, and catnip. But I bet what would actually happen is the cats would just stand around meowing and licking themselves, like a bunch of morons.

Innocents Abroad

Vali's Views goes multimedia.

The Only Way It Could Have Happened

INT. MONSTERS INCORPORATED HEADQUARTERS- DAY

JAMES, an ambitious but unpolished twenty-year-old, bursts through the front door and addresses WINTHORP, the president of the New Monsters Division of Monsters Inc.

JAMES: Sir, I have created I monster that I think would be of great interest to you.
WINTHORP: Get outta here, kid. I’ve gotta business to run.
J: Just hear me out, Sir. I call him Dracula. He’s a fanged count who lives in a coffin and whose only source of life is the warm blood of human beings. Deathly allergic to sunlight, he must hunt by night and he is able to transform himself into a bat at will.
W: You’re a moron, kid. If you wouldn’t mind letting yourself out, that’d be real nice. Some of us have work to do.
J: Garlic.
W: What did you just say?
J: Dracula is also afraid of garlic.
[WINTHORP looks JAMES up and down as a smile crosses his face.]
W: Somebody get this kid a desk and the biggest office we’ve got!

Million dollar publishing tip

Every book of quotations should be titled "Smart People Saying Stupid Things."

The search continues

If anyone knows of an establishment where like-minded gentlemen can gather to jazzercize without any sexual tension please let me know.

World's greatest dad II

This morning, I saw the world's greatest dad. Even more amazing, that mug somehow fathered a child.

Overheard at the doctor's office

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Due to complications during the birth of your son...er, I mean daughter...wait, which one has the penis? I was right the first time wasn't I?Anyways due to complications during the birth, I'm afraid your wife has passed away.
Wife: Hi, honey!
Doctor: I'll be honest. I'm baffled right now.

Suspicious package

Pedestrians in Pine Green Park spotted a suspicious package yesterday. It exploded before police could arrive. Now we will probably never know what was in that package.

Do the math, people

It's crazy that people think that, "one in the hand is worth two in the bush." I mean on one hand you have one thing, while on the other you have two things and a bush. That's a total of three things!

Fat ugly scientists

Whenever I see a really fat and ugly scientist I always think to myself, "I bet that guy is really close to inventing an invisibility potion."

Twins

The best thing about having twins is probably all of the money you save from not having to buy a "decoy kid."

The way I see it #44

"Almost any liquid can be effectively transported using water-bottles." - Vali

The view expressed above is that of Vali and does not necessarily reflect the views of Vali's Views.

Duel

If ever challeneged to a duel and asked to name my weapon of choice, I'd request a plastic rake. That would make everyone think I was really brazen. And my fierce display of bravado would probably send a chill of terror down my opponent's spine. Also, most people do not have plastic rakes readily avaliable. So that would buy me ample time to run away.

Not sure if I stole this

If I like white milk better than chocolate milk, does that make me lactose intolerant?

Desert Island

I'm always surprised at the responses when I ask people, "what book would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?" People say, "The Great Gatsby" or "Ulysses" or some other equally stupid answer. Are these people serious? The book I would take would be far bigger and more raftlike. Perhaps even have a canopy.

On education

When you see a wolf that has been raised by people, like at a zoo, it acts like a regular wolf. On the other hand when you see a person who was raised by a pack of wolves, it's weird because he looks like a person but acts like a wolf. This leads me to believe that wolves must be great teachers.

I am the Godel of slang

I don’t think it’s right for both “dough” and “bread” to be slang terms for money. Dough can be turned into bread. If someone says, “I need some bread,” I’ll give him some money. And if someone says, “Can you spare me some dough,” I’ll give him some stock tips.

My best get-rich quick scheme to date

In the future, I bet a big problem for guys will be: girls wanting to have sex with clones of their boyfriends rather than their actual boyfriends. That’s why I’ve trademarked the phrase, “One clone with extra-small penis, please.”^TM

Now I just sit back and wait for the millions to roll in.

Accidental identity theft

Last week I was trying to order something from QVC when the sales representative asked for my credit card number. I don’t have a credit card, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of the QVC sales rep. So I told him my number was “0000 0000 0000 0001.” The next day I was arrested for stealing the CEO of American Express’s identity.

Not worth the trip

My son thinks it would be fun to go back in time and see the dinosaurs. But scientists tell us that most dinosaurs were in bed by 9PM. What’s my son going to do after that? Sit at the bar by himself?

Flooding

I haven’t done a lot of research into this, but I’m pretty sure 90% of flooding is caused by fields of grass on hunger strikes.

Score one for the frogs

Once upon a time, a princess happened upon a peculiar looking frog. "An evil witch has placed a curse upon me," croaked the frog. "If you kiss me, I shall return to my original form," he added. The princess complied and the frog, true to his word, revealed himself to be a dashingly handsome prince. The two lived happily ever after.

Not long after this story became well known, princesses all over Europe could be seen on the outskirts of marshes, fucking the brains out of frog after frog.

Enough sugarcoating of the truth

They say, "video killed the radio star." What they don't tell you is that the radio stars struck first, killing a group of silent movie stars just to hear what it sounded like.

Journalistic integrity

Whenever my local TV reporter is doing a story about an orphanage fire that killed dozens of children, she always ends with: "We'll never know if one of those poor children could have grown up to cure cancer." When I hear that, I always want to add, "and, though it's statistically more probable, we'll also never know if one of those kids could have grown up to kill and eat his wife."

World's greatest dad

If they ever really start giving out a "World's Greatest Dad" award, I hope the first winner is a guy who has been impotent since birth. -- just to let everyone know, "we're going to have some fun with this."

First date

If you’re ever on a first date that’s going poorly, a good idea is to tell the girl that the earth is going to be destroyed by a giant meteor in 30 minutes. Not wanting to die alone, your date will probably smooch you for a while. Then if the earth actually is destroyed by a giant meteor, you’ll seem really smart. That’d probably guarantee you a second date.

Nobody liked Alexander Graham Bell

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876. However, he didn't know if the invention worked or not until 1880, because everyone kept giving him fake phone numbers.

One thing Anheuser Bush can do to save the earth

Environmentalists recommend cutting up plastic six-pack rings so sea birds don't get caught in them and die. A better idea is: sea bird shaped beer cans. Then as garbage floats though an oil spill that is being burned off the water, a cleanup worker may be rewarded with the sight of 6 sea birds gracefully swooping through 6 flaming enviromentally friendly "rings." That should bring a tear of joy to even the most callous environmentalist's eye.

Cobra bite

If you ever get bitten by a King Cobra, try drinking a crisp refreshing glass of Lipton iced-tea. I don't think this will save you, but I just bought a bunch of Lipton stock so at least your death won't be in vain.

You're welcome, future son

During the birth of my next son I'm going to be right there, with a gun aimed right between his eyes, firing off a couple of blanks. I figure, the early brush with death will allow him to live his whole life with a "new lease on life."

First Concert

No matter how bad the band was, everyone fondly remembers his or her first concert. My first concert was a Christmas day show in Hanoi. (I was travelling at the time.) It was an avant-garde show; I, and all of the other singers, wore handcuffs and blindfolds while our captors kept time with gunshots. Sure, later concerts may have featured better music but there was something unique about that first show that I haven't felt since.

Squirrels

As I watched the squirrel store up acorns, one-by-one, for the coming winter, I realized that the squirrel and I had a lot in common. Both of us live in California. Neither of us has a job. (Probably due to racism.) And finally, both of us love fucking other squirrels.

Some things just never change

Though the number of arranged marriages in India has declined in recent years, arranged gay marriages are as popular as ever.

Broadway's new ad campaign suggestion

Plays: For people not interested in being interested.

The year's top local news stories

News Category winner:
"Hundreds Found Dead in Local Cemetary"

Op-Ed category winner:
"Was the 3rd Grade Sock Puppet Play Racist Against Cats?"

Classified category winner:
"Several previously owned used items 4 sale. Shit, I think I am most definetly going to run out of letters. What!? I'm not going to pay that much for extra spa-"

Death bed

A good trick to play on your deathbed, is to take a large object in your hand and make it disappear.

You heard it here first

Early exit polls indicate that the most popular insult of 2004 will be "dick-a-lope."

Useage example:
(Setting: almost anywhere)
ME: Zach has been quite a dick-a-lope as of late.
ANOTHER PERSON: What?

A proposition

I think a better, more accurate, name for velcro wallets would be "pussy magnets."

Your dolphin...

I don't know how dolphins developed this reputation of being so smart. Most of the dolphins I know are so stupid that if you told them it was "chilly outside" they'd go grab a bowl and a spoon.

Reader Mail

Dear VALI

This is to notify you that your Verizon Avenue statement dated Oct 26, 2004 is available to view on-line at www.verizonvoyager.com/support_customer_service . You can view, print and pay your bill online 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Please remember that you will continue receiving your paper bill in the mail. Thank you for being a Verizon Avenue customer.

Dear Verizon,

Not sure which post you're referring to. Please be more specific.

Yours in Christ,
Vali

Gambling

If you ever gamble your wife away in a game of poker, don’t panic. Remember, you’re on the market again and you’re going to have to act cool to impress the ladies.

New element discovered

Cambridge, Massachusetts (AP) – Harvard University scientists announced the discovery of a new element today. The element was discovered when the scientists were looking at a periodic table and noticed a square, labeled Ununpentium, which they hadn’t noticed before. The scientists responded to questions about the properties of the new element with shrugs and, occasionally, swear words directed at the questioner.

Boxing referee

I bet that if you're a boxing referee and you get a new roomate, the first time the new roomate sees you in your refereeing tuxedo he'd say, "Looking sharp. Big date tonight?" Then you would say, "Nope. Just got to make sure these two guys beat the shit out of each other."

A tip

If you're a crazy drunk hobo, try slipping your penis outside of your pants the next time you need to urinate. It will only take a fraction of a second, and you'll notice the lifestyle improvement almost immediately.

Patrick Henry

Historians in Massachusetts recently discovered that Patrick Henry’s famous “Give me liberty, or give me death” demand was actually the first line from the following advertising jingle, which the great patriot wrote and performed:

Give me liberty, or give me death
Neither are as bad, as really bad breath
So buy some Altoids down at Seth’s

Aliens

If an alien ever comes up to you and says, “take me to your leader,” you should respond, “you’re talking to him,” because the alien is probably just trying to deliver a package. And hey, free package!

Learn from my mistake

Before the anesthesia kicks in, make sure the doctor understands that when you say you want a "bigger penis," you mean that you want your existing penis to be made larger, not that you want a second, slightly larger, penis to be added.

War

Yesterday I saw a bumper sticker that read, "War is not the answer." That seems a little presumptuous, don't you think? What if the question is, "What is a three letter word for a fight between armies?"

Nobel Peace Prize

I think a good way to select the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize would be to bring the two finalists up and tell them that the winner will be determined by a wrestling match. The wrestling match would, obviously, be great. After a couple of minutes one of the nominees would pin the other and the crowd would go crazy. Then, someone could quiet the crowd down and announce, “Actually, the loser of the wrestling match is the greater lover of peace. The Nobel Prize goes to him.”

Now, I know this plan isn't foolproof. So, if someone else has a better plan to get the Nobel Peace Prize awarded to Steve Urkel, I'm all ears.

The timing seemed right

I never saw Dad happier than the day my little sister was born. I remember sitting in the waiting room when he came out, with a huge smile on his face, to deliver the news. After a few shouts of congratulations, one of my dad’s buddies slapped him on the back, shook his hand and said, “It’s about time you lost your virginity!” I was eleven years old at the time, so I knew what this meant and, needless to say, I was a little perplexed. Then Dad let out a laugh, looked me in the eye and, with a wink, explained, "Vali, you were adopted."

Love Potion

When my ten-year-old son told me he had invented a perfume that would make anyone who smelled it fall hopelessly in love with him, I had to laugh. That kid of mine. He's so naive and imaginative and, I just noticed this, really sexy.

Astronauts

I just thought of this good trick to play on a group of astronauts: While the astronauts are in space, everyone should glue two antennae to his or her head. Then when the astronauts return, we could tell them that the world was taken over by aliens and that they will be getting antennae soon too. After a few hours we would let the astronauts in on the joke, but not before buying all of their hats off them at bargain prices.

My wedding

I don’t want to force everyone to re-live last evening, but I really think that when a priest tells you the wedding will be black tie, he should note that other articles of clothing are also required.

Think about the shape of the filament

You might be surprised to learn how many great inventions are the result of fortuitous accidents. For example: Thomas Edison accidentally invented the light bulb while trying to create an electric chair for worms.

Epilogue: To this day, nobody has been able to invent a worm electric chair. Worms convicted of capital crimes are hanged, like common savages. Like that of all great inventions, the story of the lightbulb is bittersweet.

Christmas

I still remember the moment I realized there was no Santa Clause. It was Christmas Eve, 1985. I had stayed up all night waiting for ole’ Saint Nicholas, but, of course, he never came. I was crushed.

A few moments later, my children burst into the living room looking for their presents. Naturally, they thought I had stolen the presents and began kicking me and hurling obscenities. Eventually the kicking subsided and, piled up in the middle of the floor, we all shared a little cry. In the end, isn’t that what Christmas is all about? (In some cultures?)

Cereal killers

If there was a serial killer who, one-by-one, started killing the CEOs of all the major cereal companies, I bet the papers would have a field day with all of the “‘Cereal’ Killer Strikes Again” headlines. But eventually, there would be no more cereal company CEOs left and the killer would have to move on to Nutra-grain bar company CEOs. And frankly, that’s not something I’m comfortable joking about.

Baby steps

I bet the thought that goes through a baby's mind just before attempting his or her first steps is: "You know what would be awesome? My face hitting the floor really hard."

Overheard at the water cooler

Jenkins: Do you think this thing might be bugged?
Ropert: What? The water cooler? There's no way.
Police officer through bullhorn: Freeze! You're both under arrest.
SFX: Window breaking, light artillery fire.

- Submitted by Leona Roberts from the Bringing Paper Together Stapler Co. in Columbus, OH

Ideas

I always carry a pen and notepad with me. That way, any time I think of a good idea, I can open up my notebook and write down, "To Do: remember idea."

Self Improvement Tip

Most people don't realize that human feet, when hammered flat, can provide most of the swimming benefits of duck flippers.

Stupid Fish

I bet a frustrating thing about drowning is all of the “just breathe, stupid” looks you get from fish. It’s like, “I’m TRYING to breathe. Also, you are the stupid one for not understanding the differences between lungs and gills.”

Looters

I’ve never understood mobs of looters. Whenever I see one, I can’t help but scream, “Guys! If you hit the sporting goods stores first, you could get some baseball bats and use them to make the rest of the looting much more efficient!” Then when they start attacking me, I often think, “Hey, these guys have a lot more bats than I previously noticed.”

Insomnia

One day my three-year-old son, unable to sleep, called me into his room. When I asked him what the matter was he said he was afraid to go to sleep because of the monster under his bed.

Being a man of reason, I calmly explained to my son how little space there was under his bed. It was just a few inches off the ground and even that space was mostly taken up by stuffed animals and toys. I could barely fit under the bed myself. Surely there was no space for the huge monster he feared

"But the monster can make himself small enough to fit into any space," my son retorted. A chill ran down my spine. What else did this little witch-boy know that he wasn't telling me?

An easy mistake to make

I think we all underestimated brooms a little bit. It's just that, the case for mops is so compelling.

Allow me to save you some embarrassment

When traveling through Europe, you’ll need to adjust your behavior so the locals don’t think you’re a “boorish American.” For example: when attending mass at the Vatican, instead of saying “Amen,” you should always say, “those are big words for such a little Pope.”

Moats

I bet that the number one cause of moat failure is filling the moat with dirt and ladders instead of water and alligators.

Wrong to reconsider?

At first I thought it would be a bad idea to douse myself with beef broth then run naked through a pack of starved hyenas. Later, as I was running from the hyenas, I couldn't help but think that my initial assessment was correct.

Advice for this debutante season

I’ve found that when going to dinner parties, it’s always a good idea to carry a severed thumb. That way, if dinner is boring, you can pretend you accidentally cut your thumb off and leave “to the hospital” immediately. Or, if one of your thumbs is somehow crushed during dinner, you can calm everyone down by saying, “Nobody panic. I have an extra thumb in my right hand pocket.”

The beauty of birth

Parents often say they can see parts of themselves in their newborn child. Especially if the newborn is tightly wrapped in aluminum foil. (Shiny side out.)

Kerry in Cambodia

If I was John Kerry and I was in Cambodia on December 24th, 1968, I would have made sure to leave a small paper trail. Then when reporters asked me for the truth during the 2004 Presidential campaign, I could hand them each an old Reader's Digest and say "Open that baby up to the 'Humor in Uniform' section. I rest my case."

Who has been the most influential person in your life?

The most influential person in my life would probably be the drunk driver that hit me, paralysing me from the neck down.

I hope Dad isn't offended that I didn't say it was him.

Worst gift ever

It's hard to say definitively, but I’d say the worst gift I’ve ever received was a testicle-setter-on-fire-er. It broke the second time I used it.

America loves salsa

If you had told me 25 years ago that salsa would one day outsell ketchup, I would have said: "Dude, I don't give a shit. I'm not even born yet. And when I am born, ranking condiments by U.S. sales revenue isn't exactly at the top of my 'To Do' list."

Correction

Last week Vali's Views reported that Jake's house on Main Street was the "tallest building in the world." As many of you pointed out, this is obviously incorrect.

Vali's Views apologizes for the error. -- Especially to Jake who, upon reading the post, spent several hundred thousand dollars to purchase his neighbor's house and convert it into a World's Tallest Building Museum. However, Vali's Views is still optimistic that the museum's gift shop sales will eventually make the investment worth it.

Celebrity sighting

Having lived in L.A. (Los Angeles for my Spanish readers) for a year, I’ve found myself on the seeing side of numerous celebrity sightings. I’ve seen some big-time celebs in the past, but I think you will agree, esteemed reader, that my celebrity sighting of yesterday afternoon takes the proverbial taco.

I saw the World’s Most Famous Worm.

I was walking down Rodeo Drive, when the World’s Most Famous Worm steps out of Brooks Brothers and starts walking towards me. He was everything I imagined: about 6’ 2” tall, slim figure, and biceps to die for. The World’s Most Famous Worm didn’t look at all like your average worm. That’s the reason he’s so famous.

He had two smoking hot female worms dangling from each arm. And I’m no worm scientist, but I’m pretty sure they were twins.

Some guys get all the luck.

What a bunch of idiots

Have any of those whiny "glass-is-half-empty" people ever considered just using a smaller glass?

Thank you twice, Dad

For my fifth birthday my father bought me a fishing rod and took me out for a day of bonding and, of course, fishing. After a couple of hours on the lake I still hadn't caught anything, but Dad told me to keep my chin up and that my time would come. He was right. Towards the end of the day, I caught a medium-sized sunfish. Dad helped me reel the fish in and had me hold it up for pictures.

"Take a deep breath, son" he said, "that's what pussy smells like."

Years later, that tidbit of trivia helped me become the first all-out winner on Who Wants to Be a Millionare.

A passing fad?

It's been a while since I've seen a news story about a murder. Do those even happen anymore?